EastEnders Has Got Nothing on The Real Hammers Soap Opera

As West Ham captain Jarrod Bowen made his EastEnders cameo, causing something of a social media stir, the real soap opera seemed to be unfolding on the other side of Stratford.

The Peggy Mitchell of the Paquetá family, ‘Big Uncle Bruno,’ is staring down the barrel of a possible six-year stretch for betting naughtiness.

Bruno and the rest of the family, back in the Brazilian equivalent of Walford, have been accused of making money by betting on their nephew Lucas, who lives in East London and can do a bit with a football.

It appears Uncle Bruno’s influence extends far beyond Albert Square too, with alleged irregular bets and payments to a Spanish fella stretching to La Liga. As a result, Uncle Bruno could be looking at an extended stint in HMP Walford if he ever shows his face in Ian Beales cafe.

As if that weren’t scandal enough, a Nick Cotton-type character has emerged from the shadows, acting as some sort of super-snitch, turning on his old gangsta mates and accusing the Mitchell minions (aka the Paquetá brothers) of conspiring to create a very suspicious birthday present by dubious means.

Whispers suggest the boys were not content with getting something nice for the special day from the market stall outside the Queen Vic. Instead, the Paq brothers are alleged to have rigged a yellow card in an East End kick-about to pocket a bit of extra crafty cash.

Meanwhile, elder brother Paquetá has had his collar felt and been asked to produce his phone as evidence of the betting shenanigans, but he claims to have lost it (presumably in the laundrette). The Boys in blue (or Football Association) need the Nokia to check if a tip-off was made between the family members before the game.

However, the story about the lost phone was supposed to be very hush-hush—so now Paq Mitchell has accused the authorities of ‘grassing him up’ and has got the lads to have a word.

All this has been terribly timed because some bloke called Potter has taken over the boozer, and things had just been getting back to normal before all this unfortunate drama unfolded. You see, Paquetá had been starting to feel a lot like his old self, and all the other regulars in The Vic had forgotten that he’d ever been in trouble at all—until Nick turned up telling everyone about the secret birthday gift.

What happens next? Who knows—but I suspect this wouldn’t be happening if Dirty Den were still in charge.

Now, how does that theme tune go?