By Simon Leyland
We have probably the most strangest transfer history than any other club in the Premier League.
From their 90s heyday under Harry Redknapp to the Gold and Sullivan era with its 46 forwards (actually it’s probably even more than that now), the mighty Irons have crammed a lot of nonsense into our time in the top flight.
Let us have a look at some of them….
Back in January 2016, West Ham were chasing an unlikely Champions League place after three wins in a row, but their task was hampered by Andy Carroll suffering an injury (hard to believe, I know).
With significant reinforcements, they might have been able to sustain their charge – instead the only attacking arrival was Emenike, who had just seen a loan move with Al-Ain terminated early. He scored zero league goals.
The Brazilian striker actually made a positive impact. Four goals. An extremely large head – like a snipers wet dream. No contract extension.
It says a lot about a player when he publicly reveals his time at a club convinced him he should have retired instead of joining them.
The longer the Spaniard stayed at the London Stadium, the longer his title of ‘World Cup winner’ felt like a technicality.
The problem with signing players on the strength of that really good Shakhtar team on your Playstation is that you have to watch them play actual football – 15 games , no goals but 4 yellow cards.
As above, but with even less of the ‘playing football’ part.
It was not just under Gold & Sullivan that West Ham have made confusing attacking signings.
Kepa was brought in by Alan Curbishley in January 2007 and scored on his debut, only for Curbishley to then remember he already had Carlos Tevez at his disposal.
Kiraly spent a whole 12 days at West Ham on a no-appearances emergency loan deal more than a decade ago as back-up to Rob Green.
Signing a defender who couldn’t get a game in Cyprus was an unorthodox move, to say the least, but maybe West Ham saw Canada international Henry as one for the future.
He played once, in an infamous defeat to Astra which involved Slaven Bilić leaving almost his entire first team squad at home.
Not a Germany international, but a West Germany international. Seeing as West Germany and The Premier League didn’t overlap, that tells you a bit about the striker.
The veteran of the 1988 Olympic Games played a grand total of zero minutes for the club, having arrived as one of the first signings of the Redknapp era.
Plenty of West Ham signings have struggled to settle at the club, and that’s reasonable when they come from such far-flung locales as Canada, Chile or a nation which ceased to exist after the fall of the Berlin Wall.
Leaving because you’re homesick for Oxford is a different matter, though.
Beauchamp lasted 58 days at West Ham, playing a grand total of zero games for the club.
One of Harry Redknapp’s pieces of mid-90s business saw him recruit Peter Shilton, a man just two years his junior. Redknapp retired from playing football in 1982 and signed Peter Shilton in 1996.
I think that Shilton is the only player born in the 1940s to make a Premier League matchday squad, he was 45 when he sat on the bench against Leeds United and Manchester United.
You’d have thought West Ham would be hesitant about signing any furher Chileans after what happened with Margas.
Signed after the 1998 World Cup, the centre-back disappeared without a trace early in his Hammers career, only to return and demonstrate his loyalty by dying his hair Claret and Blue.
Spoiled the weirdness by sticking around for a whole three years, then ramped it back up (and then some) by spending 13 million pesos on an armoured car once owned by General Pinochet, of whom Margas admitted to being a “great admirer”.
10 games and no goals , he then went on to fake his own kidnapping . Nuff said !
Why do all the nutters and misfits always seem to end up with us?
An anorak special…Brighton v West Ham
According to our favourite men with calculators – OPTA, they posit (posh word for “suggest” for any Millwall supporters reading this) that the most likely outcome of this match is a Brighton & Hove Albion win with a probability of 56.09%. A draw has a probability of 23.5% and a win for West Ham United has a probability of 20.44%.
The most likely scoreline for a Brighton & Hove Albion win is 1-0 with a probability of 11.64%. The next most likely scorelines for that outcome are 2-0 (10.21%) and 2-1 (9.79%). The likeliest drawn scoreline is 1-1 (11.15%), while for a West Ham United win it is 0-1 (6.36%).
“I tape over most of them with Corrie or Neighbours. Most of them are crap. They can f***ing make anyone look good. I signed Marco Boogers off a video. He was a good player but a nutter. They didn’t show that on the video.”
“We’ve got sports scientists who insist it’s important for the lads to eat after games to refuel, even if it’s 2am. I used to refuel after games at West Ham until half past three in the morning in a different way – but then I’m old school.”
Keep those Harryisms coming! We need more HR non PC.
Love it!! You only have to look at Paulo di Canio signing mate – exciting maverick!!!