West Ham to shock the world with three emergency April signings

West Ham to shock the world with triple transfer spree

West Ham are planning to make three emergency signings to bolster the squad following David Moyes‘ admission that it’s not big enough. Since the season is outside of the transfer window, the Hammers can only register players who are currently without a club.

In response to Alphonse Areola’s unexpected injury, the club is considering bringing back former goalkeeper Roberto to serve as backup for Lucas Fabianski. Moyes told the club’s reporters, “While Robbie may lack catching ability, he makes up for it with his communication skills. He speaks excellent Spanish, so we’re looking forward to him communicating with Edson Alvarez when he returns to the team.”

West Ham to shock the world by bringing back Roberto

West Ham to shock the world with a return for Roberto seen here punching the ball into his own net at Burnley

As part of the triple signing, Moyes also revealed that he has asked Mark Noble to come out of retirement. “We need experience in midfield, and Nobes understands the club better than anyone,” said Moyes. “He’s also an excellent driver, which is useful since the usual team bus driver is unavailable due to an eye injury suffered during the trip to Newcastle when Kalvin Phillips accidentally poked him in the eye with his middle finger. Fortunately, Kalvin’s finger is unharmed, and he’ll be fit to start upfront against Tottenham.”

Lastly, Moyes announced the return of former manager Avram Grant to the coaching staff. “We all love Avram,” declared the Hammers’ gaffer. “He’s been brought in as a defensive specialist, don’t forget he helped develop Freddie Piquionne into one of the finest players in Europe. Plus, Karen Brady loves the man.”

We’ve found a way around FFP

This is clever and cunning stuff by the club. Financial Fair Play, profit and sustainability measures and a lack of cash have hindered West Ham’s buying power. This surely shows a new way of doing business and should mean the club no longer need to proceed with Tim Steidtens project.

Stay tuned for updates as this ever-changing transfer story unfolds on what has to be the biggest football story on April 1st.


About Gonzo

Hammers Chat video blogger @Gonzobignose

4 comments on “West Ham to shock the world with three emergency April signings

  1. Ha Ha! But I reckon if Noble had been on the pitch on Saturday we wouldn’t have lost. He might’ve even carried Phillips off the pitch which would’ve been a blessing. And where’s Ogbonna when we need him? Oh yes, on the bench. He’s no slower than the inappropriately-name Zouma and a much better organiser.

  2. I’ve heard Mervin Day & John McDowal are also forced to come out of retirement

  3. Ha ha, very clever April Fools Day joke! You had me going there for a moment. But the way things are going for Moyes maybe he will need to take some desperate measure considering we have such a small squad.😱

  4. I believe the spurs manager made the best April 1. comment when he said he looked up to MOYES !

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